I’ve been trying to figure out where I’m at and where I’m headed and its been difficult. First, because it is hard to talk about. It is hard to admit that I am struggling. I don’t want to be perceived as a whiner or someone who isn’t a hard worker and talking about how things are difficult can make me feel like I’m both not doing enough and also complaining about it. It is difficult because when I think about what I might want next, some of that involves explicitly stating what I don’t want, and some of the things I don’t want are things people I love have chosen. And, as silly as it may sound, I don’t want them to think I’m judging them or that I love them less because I don’t want to go down the paths that they’ve chosen to. Maybe that’s not silly, maybe that’s just really self-centered? Sometimes, I feel like I deserve to struggle and hurt and feel lost and alone. This is another silly thing because I know that isn’t true but it can feel true and that’s hard to not listen to.
One of the things that I’ve noticed, while I’ve wrestled with these things, is that I have given myself space, unintentionally, to founder and wallow. One of the ways I’ve done this is by how I have set up my goals and my paths to my goals. I have created things that are, in essence, open-ended projects that do not have an definitive end date so that I can just keep pushing back what I am doing and putting it off. This is not helpful. So, I’ve decided that as a prepare for the coming year, one of the things that I am going to do is clean out all of my to-do lists every place I may have one. I am either going to let the things on the lists go or I am going to roll them over into projects with a definitive end so that I can think about them more strategically.by