At the intersection of OH GOD and I CAN’T.

I am in a hell of my own making.

And, I’m being dramatic.

But, while I’m being dramatic, it isn’t untrue. I could have been a healthy, put-together, reasonable person who filed paperwork on time (any time in my life before quite recently, you know, in another timeline. Obviously, not in this one). I am trying to submit some paperwork today. This will be for the fourth time (maybe the fifth?) and it is paperwork that I should have done years ago (and tried to do a year ago). It just hasn’t gotten done because it is at the intersection of two things that make me incredibly anxious, one of them being my own research being recognized and seen out in the world and the other being university paperwork. And, because it is at the intersection of two things that make me anxious, I ignored it. For a long time. I shouldn’t have. This isn’t a excuse but an explanation: I ignored this paperwork and a lot of things that made me anxious while doing a bad job of taking care of myself in general. But, I’m working on letting my research be out in the world without an undue amount of anxiety and panic and I’m working on being a reasonable person when it comes to paperwork. You’d have no way of knowing this, looking at the paperwork I’m submitting today, but I’m actually getting better at paperwork. The last time I had to submit anything, it was on time.

Still, though, I have this backlog of things that I ignored that I now want to reconcile and be responsible about and it feels very much like hell.

So I am, head hung in shame, going back to do things that seemed too big and scary to do before and I totally ignored.

I’ve spent the last hour trying to maintain an internet connection so that I can send these pieces of paper off. So they can hopefully be done. So, I can be caught up, like an actual grown person.


Why does this have to be so hard?

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