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July 30, 2007

Hell is Other People

Tomorrow there is a technician coming to fix my computer. It will be fixed, for real by someone who is paid to know what they are doing. This is not to say that I haven't gotten good advice from people. As a matter of fact, a boyfriend of a friend of mine made it possible for me to back up the important things on my hard drive before it officially was declared dead.

However, I got a lot of help without asking (I am being generous with my use of the word "help".)

I have an interview on Wednesday with an internationally known furniture store. With any luck by this time on Thursday I'll at least have a part time job.

I have been thinking a lot about Jean-Paul Sartre's play No Exit in which a man and two women are stuck in a room in Hell together. I'm beginning to think I know what that feels like. I am the sort of person that thinks you should give things some thought before you do them. So, before you go grocery shopping, you should think about what it is that you want to buy. It is true that even the best laid plans don't always come to fruition and that you may end up having tacos instead of pasta on Tuesday and pasta and instead of chicken and rice and Wednesday because you just found out a friend who only eats chicken breasts and vegetables will be popping into town on short notice on Thursday and you've invited her for dinner doesn't mean that you shouldn't plan. It just means you should be flexible with your planning.

Sometimes, I feel like the only person that's still planning on having lunch tomorrow. Sometimes, I feel like I'm speaking a language no one else in the room is speaking. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm the only sober one; the only one who wants their lives to be more than these four walls or this cluster of streets. Maybe I'm being unnecessarily obtuse. Or, maybe I'm not giving those around me enough credit. I just don't understand what we're all running away from. What is so bad that instead of turning and facing the problem we have to tell bitter stories over pints of beer and things.

And, I wonder. I wonder if I'm surrounded by other caterpillars.

July 29, 2007

Small Things

Its the small things that make life worth living.

I've been giving this a lot of thought lately. The little things, like reading something that opens new doors or that reminds you of doors that are already open. Rainbows on your walk home from the Green grocer. The fact that there are still green grocers out there in the world. It would seem, if all you ever do is go to work and come home and watch a bit of TV that the only experts left in the world are the pundits who go on about security on the news or talk about how messed up our children our on daytime talk shows. This isn't true. There are still butchers and cabinet makers in the world who, while already being outstanding are still working to perfect their art. Its a shame that we have to go for far in the world to find them.

I've decided that life shouldn't be about what you don't want in it or about what you don't want to happen. It should be about what you do want and what you think should happen. I've decided that it isn't about breaking bad habits. Its about making good habits. Round abouts here, I should probably be quoting the Buddha or something similar; perhaps giving a nod to Sharon Salzberg whose book Lovingkindness I have been reading. But, right now I think its most important to just remind myself and the world that its okay to take time and focus on the good things in life.

July 24, 2007


Sometimes, I think you can feel bad news coming. Like, its just over the horizon and it casts a shadow and although you can't really see it, you know its there.

I have been joking for awhile now that I'm waiting for a rejection letter. The good thing about joking is that you get the opportunity to consider things that are too scary or too sad or just absolutely inappropriate and that it wouldn't do to consider in a serious fashion.

So, I didn't get the scholarship at Cardiff for which I applied. Since that's the only thing I've interviewed for this summer, I'm pretty sure that means that I'm not actually up for anything else. So, now I'm back to the beginning, applying for grad schools all over again.

July 03, 2007

Some Place Safe

The problem with moving house is that you misplace things. And, while I find this to be annoying, there is nothing more troubling to me than misplacing something that I want to read.

So, of course while we were packing I came across something and I started reading it. Since then, I can't for the life of me figure out what I did with it. I don't know where it is because I did what I also do: I put it some place safe. If I were a smart person, "some place safe" would mean the same place all the time. A certain drawer or a book shelf. But, not with me. No, "some place safe" is a place where I put something, look at it and think, "This will be safe. I'll remember this." Then, I promptly forget it.

Right Now, Teach Yourself Ethics is so safe that even I can't find it.