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March 29, 2007

Happy End of March!

Tomorrow is my last Welsh class. Fory mae e'n dosbarth cymraeg olaf. I'm a little sad about it. But, if you've been following (and recently, missing) my Welsh updates, have no fear. My arholiad cymraeg is on May 11th and due to spotty attendance the last month or so, I have a lot of reviewing (Welsh English speakers read: revising) to do to prepare for the exam. So, This Week in Welsh will probably be even better, if not more frequent than before.

Huzzah.

I have also just booked tickets to spend a fortnight in the States. Since I've not been home in something like seven months, I'm ridiculously excited about it. Ridiculously. Now, I hate to be that arrogant person that seems all high and mighty and act like "just everyone wants to see me!" but, if you read this, and you want to hang out if you could email me and let me know when you will be free from April 22nd until May 2nd so that I can come up with a tentative plan. A fortnight goes awful fast and I don't want to miss anyone.

March 27, 2007

Now

I want to wake up in the morning and feel good about myself. I want to begin my day with peace and joy. I want to be happy. I want to see the beauty in the world around me and rejoice that I have the opportunity to take part in the world.

I don't want to skulk back to my parent's house feeling like a failure.

I want a job and to continue studying and to have friends that I see all the time and not just occasionally. I want to feel like I can speak my mind anywhere and everywhere and not fear reprisal or that petty self-obsessed people in my vicinity will attempt to "get even" with me for simply having my own opinion and for disagreeing with them.

I am tired of asking people over and over again to call me by my name. I am tired of being told, "Well, you shouldn't have pissed me off" as if I have control over the emotional responses of the people around me.

I want to be treated with respect. I want to be loved and cared for.

I'm having some problems right now; I'm not sure how to solve them.

March 14, 2007

Last Minute

Welcome to the countdown, people. Its moments like this when you have to wonder...What do I do with all my time when I'm obviously not spending it doing any of the things that I say are meaningful to me or that I enjoy.


My Research Proposal...nowhere near done. When is it due? Friday. The good news is that it is being submitted electronically.

My Apartment...nowhere near clean. Dishes need to be done. Laundry needs to be sorted. Floors need to be mopped. Its a general state of chaos, really.

My boyfriend...asleep on the sofa. Which is unfortunate because I need to ask him a question about...

Train tickets...not bought. I should have bought them a week ago. Now, I want to stay within a certain price range and while I'm okay leaving for London at 5 in the morning in order to be there before Beth gets there and to not have to rush from London Paddington out to Heathrow I don't know how someone else who is accompanying me to London will feel. The other option at this time is to have fifteen minutes to get from Paddington to terminal three. I don't think that's enough and I really don't want to keep her waiting. (Although, I do suppose that it will take her some time to get through immigration and customs. I don't know. Obviously, there will be discussion when someone wakes up.)

My sister...still due to arrive on Friday morning. She's really the silver lining to the cloud hanging over my head.

I think I need to get back to meditating and practicing tai chi because I do not have the calm or the composure I used to have. And, I'm also losing my planning skills. I blame this on the Welsh (except Dawn, who is fantastic and is always where she says she'll be when she says she'll be there) for constantly disrupting my ability to make plans by being infuriatingly indecisive. Or, maybe its just my Welshman. (Don't tell him I called him that.)

So, that's what I'm up to. A lot of last minute running around. (Or, sitting down and typing as the case may be.)

March 09, 2007

Its been awhile

Hiya!

I know, its been forever since I've written. How funny that one person can own so much stationary, be absolutely enamored with the art of letter writing and actually manage to send so few of them. I contend that it is not the letter writing itself, but the posting that gets me. And, it does get me, every time. The post offices here are not publicly owned; they are mostly little convenience stores with little post office cubicles in the back. There is the occasional stand alone post office but it has been my experience that these are always dark or lit with the hideous green florescent lighting that makes everyone look yellow and unhappy. International letters have to be weighed before they will tell you how much they are to mail them. But, then it always ends up being 50p. Always. I should just buy a bunch of stamps at once and then I wouldn't have to worry about it but I never have the money on me for 10 stamps or 12 stamps; its always just the pound I need for the two letters in my pocket. Enough about my postage dilemma.

Its starting to get warmer here. And, its been windy. Not to resort to cliches, but in like a lion. Although, that doesn't mean much here as its always windy. I left the tea bag in my mug a little too long, and the tea has gone bitter. I'm going to finish it anyway, because it would be wrong to waste a cup of tea (even a bad cup of tea). Everyone thinks that things like a "good cup of coffee" or a "good cup of tea" are easy to make. How hard could it be, its some leaves and some water or some water and some ground roasted beans. Except, its an art. Tea leaves can be scorched or worse. (And, don't even get me started on coffee.) That was what was great about Annie's Tea Talk, back in the day when she had them. A little bit of information really does make for a better beverage. And, there's something enjoyable about watching the water boil, waiting for it to get to the "string of pearls" stage so as to not burn your green tea. (I have been drinking of a lot Twinings orange and lotus flower green tea. It is nice, but you have to pull the tea bag at just the right time or you either way tea that is too weak, or tea that tastes like a warm orange.)

I have been doing a lot of reading recently. Mostly academic, though. A lot of re-reading, really, just so I can get my references right. I have also been reading Fracine Prose's Reading Like a Writer. When I finish it, I plan picking up Stephen Fry's more recent book The Ode Less Traveled. Then, I'm either going to dive back into Proust or I'm going to read Northanger Abbey. I recently finished Lady Chatterly's Lover. I have to say that I was a little disappointed in the smut factor. I know it was written, what? almost 80 years ago now but still. It was an interesting discussion of different perspectives on sexuality that used the word "cunt" way more often than you see it in (non-feminist) literature. I did enjoy it, though, despite the disappointment.

I hope that you are well, and that this finds you in good spirits. I hope that the snow doesn't have you down. It will melt, and then it will be unbearably hot. It could be worse, The Welsh word for July literally means, "The end of Summer". So, they only expect it to be nice for June and July. Sometimes, I think I've picked the wrong specialty and that I should be going for my PhD in Literature. I know close reading isn't in vogue these days, but it would be neat to do a corpus study of a piece of literature looking for one thing or another. The end result would most likely be very Michael Hoey, or it wouldn't work at all. Ah, the things that keep me up at night.

Anyway, I miss our conversations and I hope to hear from you soon. Perhaps this time when I'm at the post office I will by 10 or 12 stamps instead of just one.


Love,

Kat(e)

March 07, 2007

It Often Surprises Me...

When little things make me happy. And, not just the little things that you expect. Like, chocolate (which is always good and generally consumed in small quantities.) Or, a good cup of a coffee but rather writing a strong sentence or coming up with a good idea.

Earlier today, I was working on a PhD proposal and I was smiling. Duh. Of course, thinking about ideas makes me happy. Why should that surprise me? Well, it does.

John recently gave me a talking to about selling myself short and not taking care of myself. While I didn't enjoy being lectured, he had a few good points. He might not be the most tactful little monkey, but he most certainly cares about me. And, I love him for that.

March 06, 2007

Exciting!

In nine days, my sister will be here. She is coming for just a week, but what an action packed week it is going to be. It will start when I pick her up at Heathrow. We are then going to bum around London for the day before heading back to the comfort of my flat in Wales where we will prepare for Wales-England/St. Patrick's Day. We are planning on seeing the Roman Baths in Bath and we may go to the Dylan Thomas museum in London. It is hard to sit still being this excited about something. I sent her a tentative plan via email today and she responded saying it sounded great. I am so excited! My sister is going to be here! Of course, I still have to clean the flat and finish up the stuff I am going to send to Leeds. Speaking of which...

While I was walking to school today, I had a brilliant idea about my methodology that will add a whole new layer to what I plan on studying and will take my PhD a giant step beyond what I was doing with my Masters. I don't want to say here, but I'm very excited about the possibility of it.

Hooray.

March 04, 2007

We'll Call it a Creative Block

Its Sunday afternoon. It should surprise no one that it is drizzling outside the window. I am a little disappointed by it because I thought it might be nice to go for a walk this afternoon. My boyfriend is snoring softly on the sofa; this is what Sundays are for. I am a little anxious and a little restless and a little annoyed at the rain. But, my current dilemma is not the rain or even the fact that I could really use a shower. It is what to have for lunch. I have to eat and then I have to go back to reading and writing because I have proposals due. I want to continue studying. I need to continue studying. I'm having trouble writing anything that is anywhere near the realm of "acceptable proposal".

Oh, and we're planning to watch Hot Fuzz again this evening, so I have a limited amount of time to do this eating and writing in. (In addition to the already limited time of my looming March 16th deadline. Sucker's got to be in the mail before I pick Beth up at the airport.)

I think my problem writing has very little to do with a lack of ideas or even a desire to do it. I think its a problem with visualization. I'm having trouble seeing my future.

I am not a crackpot nor am I a psychic. Stop looking at me like I'm some weirdo.

I am a person who likes to have goals. Well, its a little more than just "likes". I thrive on not just having things to do but goals to work towards, something in the future, some point that I can stop at and say, "See, look. Good Job! I told you that it was possible!" Even little things like 10 pounds or a photography project or a word count. And, maybe this is a bad thing because it kind of discourages one from paying attention to the moment, but whatever. I often find my goals to be what reminds me to savor and not squander the time I have. And, this should surprise no one coming from a photographer but I'm very good at visualizing things. Creating an image in my mind to correspond with an idea is something I like doing and something I find helpful. This process of visualization is something that just hasn't been happening lately. Its a problem. I feel stuck. What's more, I feel trapped like I'm wallowing in a present without direction or hope of escape. You'd imagine this sort of existential dilemma is not fun. You'd be right. So, I've been trying, in between working on things like having lunch with Georgia and looking for a job (I have the phone number of the guy who runs the fruit and veg stand near my house. He's looking for part-time help. I will keep you posted.) and, of course, breaking out last year's coursework so that I can right a proposal in pristine "Just like Alison taught us" form I've been trying to address the reasons for this creative block. And, I'm hoping that will help because I really need it to.

March 03, 2007

Quote: T.S. Eliot

For us, there is only the trying. The rest is not our business.

What we have control of is really only very small; I keep forgetting that.